The Trouble with Love
by Serenthia
Summary: Lily wants Severus, James wants Lily, and Severus wants James to suffer. Chapter 6: The infamous prank. Poor, poor, poor Sirius.
1. James's plan

Disclaimer: I own nothing!! 

Author's Note: In a chat Rowlings said that James was a Chaser but the movie had him as a Seeker so I'm going with the Seeker as of right now. Since she had input in the movie, she may have changed her mind about his position. 

The Trouble With Love 

by: Serenthia 

James Potter, Quidditch Captain and the best seeker in a century, not to mention Prefect, most popular guy in school, along with the most handsome, sat across from the girl that, by all rights, should be drooling over him as she read from her romance novel. 

Lily Evans was a Prefect, on the Quidditch team as a great Chaser, and she was pretty and popular just like James. They would make a perfect match. 

The cover of Lily's romance novel depicted a rogue male, wearing all black, sneering and condescending, as the heroine, she had red hair too, was kneeling at his feet, arms outstretched to the man in a token of her good will and love for him. 

Lily was making notes from this book as her eyes darted to the Slytherin Table every once in a while. 

"Oh, give it up!" Sirius said as he fell into a seat by James. "Sn... Sn.. Snape's never going to love you, Lily. And frankly, what do you see in that freak of nature?" 

Lily glanced up, her green eyes flashing dangerously. "You just don't understand! Severus," she nearly swooned on his name, "is just misunderstood. The poor boy has no friends." 

James glanced over at the Slytherin Table where Severus Snape was busily talking to Sean Lestrange while Florence Taylor and Martin Wilkes listened in. The four of them looked quite companionable. 

"He has five friends," Remus started. "He's talking to some of them, right now." 

Lily glanced over there and shook her head. "They don't understand him! He needs a woman's touch!" 

James groaned as Lily gathered her belongings, and with a pitying glance at Severus and a sigh, left the Great Hall. 

"She should be in love with me!" James said, turning to Remus and Sirius. "Right?! I'm great looking! Popular! Quidditch champion! I'm rich!" 

"And modest," Remus added. 

"Yes," James nodded, "and very modest," he said, not noticing Remus rolling his eyes. 

Sirius grabbed some food and ate it with his hands. 

"Use your utensils," James said, looking at him with slight disgust. 

Sirius shook his head. "You see! That's why Lily doesn't want you. You're too good! You need to be a bad boy," Sirius said, "and then Lily will swoon over you instead of... instead of... Sn... Snape," he choked on the name, his cheek twitching. 

James had to get Sirius's mind off Severus, the more Sirius thought of him the more his face started to twitch. 

"So," James said, "how do I go about being a bad boy?" 

Sirius glanced at him, eyebrows furrowed. "I don't know if you can," he said. "You're like.... um.. a goody-two-shoes." 

James's mouth dropped. "I am not! Am I?" he demanded of Remus. 

Remus shrugged. "Well, you are sort of." 

"But," James protested, "all the pranks we do!" 

"Those aren't dangerous," Sirius scoffed. "And you won't play a prank against a teacher." 

"Of course not!" James said, sounding horrified. "We could get into trouble." 

Sirius groaned. "Then quit complaining about being a goody-two-shoes if you aren't willing to do some bad things!" 

"But," James tried, "we are Animagi!" 

"No one knows about that!" Sirius said. "Listen, James. You play pranks but the pranks are funny and everyone loves you for them. You aren't a rebel." 

"I have hair on my chest," James informed him. 

Sirius sunk out of sight. "Oh, man, and you think that makes you a rebel!" he said from somewhere under the table. 

James opened his mouth to say some more things when a movement caught his eye. Severus was moving towards them, his black robe and cloak billowing out behind him, with how fast he was going. 

"So," Severus said, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at James, "if it isn't James Potter." His cheek twitched. "I heard the cheering everyone did for you this morning while you played Quid.. Quid.. Quidditch," he winced at the words. "You made the entire school, but Slytherin, _happy_," he hissed, moving a hand near his mouth as if he might be sick. "Your head is so swollen, Potter, I can't see how you can fit through the doorways!" 

James smiled sweetly at Severus. Severus backed away as if James had shown him a knife, his face angry. 

"You dare threaten me!" Severus shrieked. 

James continued to smile. Wasn't that what people were supposed to do to crazy people? Smile at them until they went away. And James was fairly sure Severus was crazy. 

"Get away!" Sirius said as he resurfaced, glaring at Severus. "Crawl back under that rock you slithered from under." 

Severus smirked at Sirius. "If my mother looked like yours I would expect her to hide under a rock for the rest of her..." 

Sirius launched himself at Severus and the two of them were quickly embroiled in a fight, rolling on the table. 

James ignored them, this happened on a daily basis almost now, so what was the point? 

"Doesn't having hair on your chest make you a rebel?" James demanded, turning to Remus. 

Remus was watching Sirius and Severus fight. "I swear Severus just put his hair in the butter on purpose." 

"Enough about that! What about me?!" James whined. 

Remus glanced at him. "Um, James. I have hair on my chest, Peter has hair on his chest, even." 

James slumped into his seat. "How will Lily ever fall in love with me, then?" James asked morosely as he watched Severus stick his head into a bowl of mashed potatoes as Sirius fought to wipe the gravy off his face and hands, while still fighting with Severus. 

None of the students ran to get the teachers like they should (they were already gone), everyone was too used to seeing Sirius and Severus fight to do anything about it. James slowly got up. 

"Let's get, Sirius," James said. "We have homework to do." 

He and Remus managed to pull Sirius off Severus. Thankfully, Severus just watched them go, sneering at them, instead of trying to get Sirius into another fight. 

"He likes fighting with you," Remus said as they pushed Sirius into one of the showers in the Prefect's bathroom. "Ignore him like me, James, and Peter do." 

"I can't!" Sirius shrieked. "He keeps insulting my mum!" 

"That's because he knows it upsets you, Sirius," James said. "Severus is a bit... odd.. just ignore him." 

The only problem was that once Sirius learned to ignore Severus insulting a certain person, Severus would change who he insulted, leading Sirius to explode all over again. First it had been James, then Remus, then Peter, then Lily, than any girl Severus saw Sirius talking to, and then Sirius's mum. James felt sorry for Sirius. Sirius had a temper and Severus knew exactly how to provoke it and enjoyed doing it. That boy was sadistic. 

"I need to be a rebel!" James whined to get everyone's mind off of Severus. 

"Argh!" Sirius yelled. "That's your first mistake. Rebel's don't whine. I'll show you," Sirius said, emerging. 

His robe was wet but clean. A quick drying spell and Sirius was ready to show him how to be a rebel. 

"Oh, goody, I can't wait!" James said and Sirius slapped his forehead. 

"This is not going to be easy," Sirius decided. 


	2. Severus's plan

_Sorry this chapter has taken so long, but I had too many other fics to do under different author names and they all, but one, fell through the cracks. I do hope I can continue to update, at least once a month, if not sooner._

_Warning_: This fic may occasionally get a little serious in same parts. Not drama or anything but not every part will be funny. Mainly because poor little Sevvie is not trying to be funny, he's a half-dementor trying to fit in with the rest of the full humans, and it doesn't work. 

_Disclaimer_: I own everything. J.K. Rowling stole my ideas, I'm not sure how, but she did. Just because I didn't have the ideas before she published her stories doesn't mean she didn't steal them from me. Bad Rowling. Bad. 

And despite what Rowling believes, Severus Snape is a half-dementor. She stole my idea, I told you that already, and might twist it to fit her own devious purposes but be sure, this fic is canon. 

The Trouble with Love 

by: Serenthia 

Sean looked over at Severus, laying on the hard stone floor, staring at the ceiling, with a James Potter doll (homemade) clutched in his hand. 

"Voodoo dolls don't work!" Severus snarled. "I stuck this thing full of pins during class and Potter didn't even flinch! He hates me! He's out to get me! Oh no!" Severus gasped, visibly trembling. "What if he breeds!" 

Sean snorted and stuffed his fist into his mouth. Severus, though he was insane, was a blast to be around. 'Don't laugh around him', 'Don't laugh around him', Sean reminded himself. Laughing evilly was okay but Sean just felt like laughing and Severus couldn't handle that. 

"Most men breed," Sean said in a choked voice. 

Severus whimpered like a puppy. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" 

"Why don't you just kill Potter?" Sean asked, with as shrug, as he forced himself to frown. "Make it look like an accident." 

Severus's head came up, his eyes wide. "Murder! What are you? An animal? I would never kill another human!," he said with disgust. "I can't believe you even suggested that," he spat. 

Sean felt a cold sweat break out. Didn't Severus know that his father murdered people? 

"What if you found out that your father murdered people?" 

Severus rolled his eyes. "My father would never do that. Dumbledore might. I bet he has a dungeon full of poor kids he force feeds lemon drops to and then kills them! He's evil." 

Now it was Sean's turn to whimper. Well Sean wasn't about to tell the Dark Lord that his beloved son wouldn't kill people, best let the Dark Lord figure that out on his own. Sean just hoped he was on the other side of the planet when the Dark Lord found out. 

"Well," a brilliant idea popped into his mind and Sean smirked evilly at his own brain power, he amazed himself sometimes. "Lily has a crush on you," for some strange reason. "And Potter has a crush on her. If you would date her than Potter would be miserable." 

Severus raised an eyebrow, an evil grin trying to come on his face. "Truly?" he asked, getting up. 

"Very truly." 

"So, how do I got about turning Lily into a date?" Severus asked, rubbing his hands together. "We haven't covered human transfigurations yet in McGonagall's class. That old git is keeping us all behind. And then what do I do with her when she is a date? I'll have to change her back..." 

"No!" Sean said, shaking his head. "You have to date her, you know, woo her, seduce her..." 

Severus stepped back, clutching at his chest. "What?!!" 

"Give her flowers, live ones, ones that are pretty and smell nice," Severus cringed, his eyes wide and fearful as Sean rambled on, "and give Lily perfume..." 

"She stinks enough as it is!" Severus shrieked. 

"And go places together, carry her books for her..." 

"Why? Are her arms too weak to carry them?" Severus demanded. "I have enough books to carry without adding hers to my pile! I'm not her servant." 

"Well," Sean said, tapping his lip. "Lily likes those stupid romance novels that are all about a woman conquering an evil acting man so maybe you don't have to be too nice to her," Sean scratched his head. "Just tell her you think she's hot, and um, attractive, and that um, I'm not sure. Maybe she'll chase you! That would be cool! I'll take pictures. Florence had better take some notes if Lily does chase you, I want to be chased!" Sean griped. 

Severus wiped his hands on his robe. "To make Potter pay I'll risk taming this most dangerous creature that is Lily Evans," Severus shuddered, though he kept his back straight. "I don't blame her for liking me though," Severus sighed. "I am quite the catch." 

Sean bit his lip, hard, and dug his fingers into his thigh, to keep from saying something sarcastic or snorting. Quite the catch for what? A slug. 

"I'm sure there is a book in the library about insane teenage girls and their strange behavior and bizarre rituals that would be a valuable resource for me," Severus said. 

Sean looked at him. "They're just girls, not wild animals." 

"Speak for yourself," Severus said. "Girls are evil. Especially the giggling teenage ones. But to make Potter pay, I'll do this. Especially if it prevents him from breeding. The last thing I want is another Potter around," convulsions grasped Severus's body and he fell to the floor. "What if he does have children! What if he has several of them, two or three Potter's running around. I'll die!" 

"I don't think you'll ever have to worry about seeing Potter's kids," Sean reassured him. "Potter would keep his distance from you, and he would especially make sure no son or daughter of his ever got near someone as insane... I mean interesting... as you." 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Remus, glaring at his rock, which was supposed to be an octopus, turned to see Sirius's perfectly formed octopus as it resided in his bowl and glared at it, and him. Sirius wasn't paying attention to it, though, his attention was on Severus. Severus was currently walking over to Lily's desk, and sat on it. 

James looked horrified as Severus leaned back. "You're my girlfriend," he declared. 

Lily's friends squealed, in horror or delight, Remus couldn't tell. Lily swooned as Severus got up and swept away. 

James's eyes filled with tears and he turned to Sirius. "He stole my woman!" 

"I'm not anyone's woman!" Lily said, flouncing her hair dramatically as she turned to glare at James. 

"You are mine," Severus called over. 

Lily blushed, giggled, and turned around, twittering to her friends. 

Sirius hit his head with his hand. "Oh, no." 

"Make me into a rebel," James hissed, "now!" 

Sirius shook his head. "It won't work. Goodness is too far ingrained into you. We've been at it all weekend and nothing has worked." 

James turned his back on Sirius and snarled something about incompetence. Remus blinked. Maybe James would get turned into a rebel soon. James had never snarled before. 

With Sirius's attention diverted (and thankfully McGonagall had stepped out of the room for a few minutes, stupid thing to do with a class full of hormonal teenagers), Remus grabbed the octopus and shoved in into his own bowl, tossing the rock into Sirius's, plastering his best 'I'm a tragic werewolf' look on his face as Sirius glanced at him. 

"I don't know what to do," Sirius shrugged. "Maybe this is good for James," he whispered. 

"You could try to win her back for me," James suddenly said, twisting back around. "You're a rebel, it could work." 

Sirius modestly shrugged. "Very true. But then she'll like me and not you." 

James looked over at Severus and for the first time he frowned. "I don't care. Just get her away from him," he bit out. 

Severus looked at them and grinned evilly at seeing James's frown. 

"Oh, no," Remus realized. "He's dating her to get at you." 

"Did you hear that!" James shouted at Lily, his voice raised in slight anger. "Severus is only dating you to get at me! He doesn't care about you at all!" 

Lily turned her head to glare daggers at James. "Take it like a man! Sevvie-poo (Remus glanced at Severus and noticed he turned green at the affectionate nickname) loveys me! (Severus flinched)." 

"I bet he does," Remus muttered. "Have to hand it to Severus though, he has an evil little mind." 

Sirius patted James on the shoulder as James slumped and buried his face in his hands. 

"What happened to my octopus?" Sirius asked. 

Remus looked perplexed. "I think it turned back into a rock. You're not very good at transfigurations," Remus lied, shaking his head. "They keep turning back into what they were before." 

Sirius shrugged. "Odd, they never do that when I'm alone." 

"You must have a fear of transfiguring things in public. It's common," Remus said knowledgeably. "I read about it. Tragic." 

Sirius shrugged and as McGonagall walked back into the room, Sirius changed his rock, without effort, into an octopus. Remus folded his arms in annoyance. Sirius could do that so easily! It wasn't fair. 

As the class filed out of the room, after McGonagall had checked everyone's octopus rocks, Remus looked over at James and noticed he was glaring at Severus. Sirius grinned at seeing this and gave Remus a wink. Remus sighed. Now he was going to have to pull both Sirius and James off of Severus. Why did everything happen to him? 

Peter sniffed behind him and Remus turned to him. "Oh, so sorry, didn't see you." 

Peter rolled his eyes. "That's something new?" he asked, sarcastically. "I swear you three are always forgetting about me." 

Remus felt bad, but then again, it was kind of annoying how Peter was always following them. There were plenty of other kids at Hogwarts that Peter could befriend. 

"If he hurts Lily I'm going to beat him black and blue," James swore as Severus swept out of sight with Lily. 

"He wants you to beat him black and blue," Remus reminded him. "Don't worry, I don't think Severus is going to be able to handle being Lily's boyfriend for very long." 

James looked scandalized. "And why not?! Lily is perfection! Her skin, her eyes, her hair! All glorious! Severus would be a fool to dump her! No! I'll have to win her! Or have Sirius do it! Watch out, Snape!" 

Remus sighed. Lily's good looks were the problem and so was her sweet temper. And all those kitten stickers she stuck everywhere, the pink paper she used, and romance novels she read? Severus was a goner. 

James, continuing to seethe, clenched his fists and whirled around, sweeping off, much like Severus did. 

Peter giggled. "Well, I guess his goodness is only so fair entrenched in him. Women! They always cause trouble." 

Remus rolled his eyes. Severus was the only causing the trouble. That boy lived for it. He was sadistic, insane, and just plain creepy. 

Remus smiled, though. A love triangle! This was going to be fun. Well, for as long as Severus could handle it. But if James hated Severus for it, something Severus seemed to desperately want, than maybe Severus would hang on being Lily's boyfriend just to spite him. Severus was insane enough to torture himself so others would be tortured. He was odd like that. 


	3. Remus's plan

Disclaimer: Severus belongs to me, Rowling can keep everyone else. 

The Trouble with Love 

by: Serenthia 

The door opened and Severus staggered in, a bouquet of flowers clutched in his hand, a box of chocolate in his other hand and a red outline of Lily's lip on his cheek where she had kissed him. 

If it had been anyone else, Sean would have congratulated them, but from the look of pure horror on Severus's face, Sean thought it best to maintain a sympathetic air. 

"Oh, dear, she kissed you," Sean said sadly, shaking his head, wishing Florence would plant a good one on him. 

Severus cringed, the flowers and chocolate spilling out of his hand as he stumbled to his bed and collapsed on it. His cat, Dark Mark (everyone called him Marky to be safe, who knew what spies Dumbledore had in the Slytherin House) jumped on Severus's chest and laid there, looking rather dead. Dark Mark was a very moody cat. 

Nicholas Avery darted to the dropped chocolate, grabbed the box, and ran out the door, mumbling something about finders keepers. Sean picked the flowers up and put a charm on them to keep them fresh. These would be perfect for Florence, especially since it would save him a few coins. 

"Lily wants me to take her to a ballet," Severus said, his voice filled with disgust. "I told her I wouldn't be caught dead at a ballet and she.... she swooned! What is wrong with her! The more I treat her like dirt the more she likes it! She's becoming as bad as Potter! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!" he shrieked. "But I can't dump her or her and Potter might breed!" 

Sean shook his head, flinging the flowers in the direction of his bed, and sat on the chest at the end of Severus's bed. 

"The worse you treat Lily the happier she gets because she realizes that once she finally tames you, you'll be putty in her hands," he explained. 

"Putty," Severus spat. "Tame me? I'm already tamed! I'm the most tamed person in this school! It's the rest of you who are insane hormonal teenagers!" he yelled. 

"Yes, well," Sean said, with a sigh. "But Potter really hates you." 

Severus lifted his head, an evil smirk on his face. "He tripped me," Severus said with relish. "He's beginning to resort to physical violence. I love it. It'll be fists one of these days." 

Sean started to get up when Dark Mark lunged at him, spitting, hissing, and swiping with his claws. 

"Ouch!" Sean yelled, jumping back, holding his hand where the cat's claws had drawn blood. "Stupid cat!" he bellowed. 

That dumb cat was always doing that. Attacking everyone, except for Severus, who was loyal to the Dark Lord. Dark Mark had even shredded books and paper that mentioned the Dark Lord. Sean wondered why and how could a cat read? 

Severus cooed at the cat, gathering it in his arms, and glaring at Sean like Sean had caused the whole thing. 

"Be nice to Marky!" Severus said angrily. "He's just an ickle kitten!" 

Sean rolled his eyes. "He's dangerous," Sean said. "I got sick from the last batch of scratches he gave me." 

Severus looked at him witheringly. "It's not my fault your skin is covered with germs," he spat. "Maybe you should bathe more," and with that Severus left for the bathrooms. 

Sev always took a cold shower before going to bed; a very cold shower. He charmed the faucet so there was sleet coming out of the thing. No one dared use that shower anymore. The charm didn't last but... who in the right mind would use a shower stall after Severus had been in it? Even the toilets he used were quickly marked so everyone could avoid them. Severus was disgusting. 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Lily, surrounded by everything that society had declared was 'feminine', sprayed the last of the perfume on her slender, and so white, neck. She turned to her three friends, sitting on her bed and all staring at her with what, of course, had to be adulation. 

"I kissed him," she declared. 

Diana, out of jealousy Lily was sure, fell onto the bed and buried her head in the blankets, her shoulders shaking. 

"Really?" Michelle said, putting a delicate hand to her neck, her large blue eyes wide. "What was it like?" she breathed. 

Leah nodded her head, though she was looking faintly traumatized. Poor dear, Lily hadn't realized that she, too, had a crush on Severus. But Severus had picked her, Lily, over the rest of the rabble at the school and it was something Lily was quite proud about. Now she got to tame this wild beast! 

"I was aiming for his lips," Lily said pensively, ignoring a gasping sound from Diana as she stuffed part of a purple heart shaped pillow in her mouth, "but he got distracted and I hit his cheek instead." 

"Was it slimy.. I mean nice," Leah asked, looking green. 

"Well," Lily said slowly, she found herself running to the bathroom and vomiting after that little kiss but she was sure things would work out fine later, "wonderful! Took my breath away!" 

"You mean you're lunch," Diana mumbled from around the pillow. 

Lily shook her head. "You're so jealous." 

Diana managed to sit up, her shoulders shaking, tears streaming down her face. "Very," she got out and then collapsed down again. 

"Poor dear," Lily mused. 

Diana made a choking sound and rolled off the bed and out of sight, laughing hysterically. Michelle looked annoyed at where Diana had fallen and Leah still looked sick. 

"Diana!" Michelle said. "Jealousy doesn't become you! We must, as girls, stick together. Lily has found true love!" she squealed. "This is so exciting!" 

Lily squealed too and the two of them quickly started to chat about what Lily would wear tomorrow to further tame her 'wild man'. 

"If you don't want James," Leah suddenly said, "can I have him?" 

Lily flung her hair around to glare at Leah. "He's not mine! If you feel attracted to that.. that 'goody-goody', than by all means, go after him." 

Leah waggled her eyebrows. "Oh, I will. He's so cute when he plays Quidditch. Especially with all that sweat dripping down his handsome face. Oh, baby!" 

Lily, shocked, stared at Leah. Sweet little Leah who didn't read romance novels because they were smut. 

"Leah!" Deborah screamed, getting up from off the bed and lunging at Leah. "You can't have James, I want him!" 

Lily and Michelle huddled close together while the two of them went at it, fist flying, hair pulling, nails scratching. 

"I want Severus," Michelle said, whirling around to glare at Lily, "he's so dangerous!" 

"He's mine!" Lily screamed. "He said I was his girlfriend!" 

"Well," Michelle said, eyeing her up and down, "we did study polyjuice potion not to long ago. I'll pretend to be you and dump him and then take him for myself..." 

Lily never saw Michelle's hand come to grab her hair but she felt it. The two of them were soon going at it, rolling on the floor, Michelle trying to grab Lily's hair and Lily trying to fight her off. 

Someone must have gone to get McGonagall because Lily found herself being pulled off Michelle and shoved onto a bed. 

"Enough!" McGonagall hollered. "Lily! I'm shocked at you!" 

Lily didn't blush, instead her eyes widened. She was getting into trouble over a man! Ooohhh! This was so exciting! She had to play this for all it was worth, just like those heroine's in her novels. 

Flouncing her wonderfully red hair, Lily put her hands on her hips and adopted her 'I'm a rebel for my man' stance. 

"She's trying to take my man away from me," Lily declared. 

McGonagall almost rolled her eyes but managed to stop herself. "Oh," she said softly, "this is a fight over boyfriends?" 

Leah and Diana had straightened up and looked at each other. 

"We really should be doing this in front of James," Leah said, scratching her head. "And then he can pick the winner." 

Diana nodded at that and the two of them hugged each other and went over to Madam Pomfrey's, both limping and hanging onto each other. 

Lily jumped into a martial arts stance (one of her heroines had been a martial artist), and prepared to beat Michelle up. Michelle, who had read the same novel, jumped into the same stance, shaking her backside. 

"Stop it!" McGonagall cried. "Who is this boy you two are fighting over." 

"Severus Snape," Lily said. 

McGonagall stood there, then suddenly her knees went weak and she fell to the floor. "Severus! You two are fighting over Severus!" she said, her body trembling. 

Lily and Michelle went to her. 

"Yes," Lily said with compassion, "it's okay. I realize you must have feelings for him to be reduced to this state. But you can't like him. He's a student. That would be improper." 

McGonagall snapped her head up, her mouth a thin line. "Thank you for reminding me of that. I was about to ask him out on a date this morning but I won't now. So silly of me. Let Severus decide between the two of you. A catch of that caliber," her eyes went wide for a second, "shouldn't be fought over." 

Lily and Michelle looked at each other and then burst into tears. 

"She's right! We can't let a man come between us!" Lily sobbed, hugging Michelle. 

"I certainly won't!" Michelle agreed. "I'm sorry. But if it doesn't work out between you and Severus, can I try?" 

Lily nodded her head. "Of course." 

McGonagall nodded her head at the two of them and directed them to go to Madam Pomfrey's. 

"Now remember," Lily said, turning to McGonagall on their way out, "don't try to date Severus. He belongs to us girls!" 

McGonagall nodded her head and the two of them left, hearing someone laughing and pounding the floor. 

"Poor McGonagall," Michelle said, looking back at the door, "she must have really wanted to date Severus. She's go broken hearted she's laughing about it." 

Lily sighed tragically. "She's a trooper." 

Michelle nodded and the two of them went to Madam Pomfrey's, arm in arm. 

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Sirius was busily mediating on his bed, legs crossed, James was busily stabbing a crude drawing of Severus with a letter opener, and Peter was mumbling about how unfair it was that his Animagus form was a rat. Peter still hadn't gotten over that. Remus, alone, was doing the homework they had to turn in tomorrow. 

Of course, he was the only one that hadn't done it yet. He hated homework. 

"I'm not sure if I understand this question," Remus said, fixing a quizzical look on his face as he showed it to James. 

James glanced at it, mumbled the answer, and went back to stabbing the picture. 

Grinning, Remus quickly asked him the answer for all the questions and James, to busy with his pain over Lily, didn't notice Remus getting him to do Remus's homework for him and went along. 

"You're evil," Sirius murmured as Remus went to his bed. 

Remus let tears come into his eyes. "Being a werewolf takes a lot out of a person," he sobbed. "I just can't concentrate." 

Sirius, not sure whether or not to believe him, patted him on the knee. "There, there." 

Being a werewolf amongst sympathetic people did have it's advantages. And Remus was very good at promoting sympathy with his eyes and cute boy looks. The hat had mentioned he would do well in Slytherin but Remus had opted for Gryffindor. And now he was glad. The Slytherins would have never fallen for most of the 'poor little me' routines he did. 

"I hate him!" James passionately yelled out, tearing the parchment into pieces. "Die, die, die!" 

"You said it," Sirius said with feeling. 

"Leave him alone," Remus said, getting two glares directed at him. "Severus is going to fall apart pretty soon, I can see it. Just let it happen." 

"Fall apart," James said, "or should I just rip him apart!" 

"Yeah," Sirius said, nodding his head, grinning at images of a dismembered Severus more than likely. 

Remus slapped his hand to his forehead, an evil idea coming into his mind. If he pretended to be Lily and disgusted Severus so much he couldn't handle it anymore, maybe Severus would dump Lily and James would quit hating Severus. 

For the sanity of his best friend, Remus was going to do it. 


	4. Love

Disclaimer: Another one of these things I have to come up with, sigh. Severus, my little ickle Severus, is all mine! Rowling kidnapped him from me and I want him back! She might mess his back story up. Once again, what is written below is the truth! 

The Trouble with Love 

by: Serenthia 

Chapter 4: Love! 

Remus, not caring how Lily actually walked, only caring about scaring Severus off, did his best "I'm a woman" walk. He swayed his hips, pursed his lips, and jauntily swung his purse (a furry pink thing with a smiley face on it) that contained the needed Polyjuice potion. 

A few straggling students stared at him with horror. He reeked of perfume, having added three times the normal amount that Lily usually wore (and she wore quite a bit), and his face was dolled up to perfection (bright red lipstick, purple eye-shadow, and pink blush). His dress was perfect: a bright pink number with red hearts all over it. Remus clashed, horribly, but he didn't care. Severus was going to scream. 

"Are you feeling okay?" McGonagall asked as Remus rounded a corner, her eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. 

Remus put his hands on his hips and titled his head to the side, having seen Lily do this many times. "I'm going on a date with my boyfriend, Sevvie-poo!" 

McGonagall choked and darted back into her office, slamming the door behind her. Laughter floated out from underneath the door. 

"It must be hard being in charge of a bunch of teenagers," Remus said, shaking his head. "They are strange," he murmured, wiggling his butt to get the dress to fit a little better. 

"I love you!" came a screech from behind Remus. James! Oh, no! 

Remus spun around to see James running towards him. Lily was unconscious, under her bed, and couldn't save Remus. No, no, no! This wasn't happening. 

"My darling," James gasped, falling to his knees in front of Remus and ripping open his robe. "I have chest hair! Does Sev.. Snape have that!" 

Oh, Remus hoped Lily didn't know that. "I have a date," Remus said, forcing his voice to sound low and threatening. 

Remus clutched at his heart. "Your voice! It makes my heart beat too fast! How could you date that... that THING over me!" 

Remus tossed his head, liked how it felt, and continued tossing his hair as he spoke. "For your information. Severus is a wonderful human being who has all sorts of wonderful qualities that I admire, fawn over, and drool because of." 

James shot to his feet, grabbed Remus's shoulder, and attempted to plant one on Remus's mouth. Remus let out a shriek. 

"James Potter! Lily Evans!" McGonagall yelled, hurrying to them. 

Remus ran to his Head of House, clutching at her, and hid behind her. "He tried to kiss me!" Remus yelled, jumping up and down in horror. "I'm going to be sick!" 

McGonagall looked at him, her eyes wide. "You can handle Severus kissing you and not James?" she asked, not able to believe it. 

Remus adopted the 'haughty' look Lily often had. "Severus is so manly and so gorgeous that I can barely stand it. But James is just.. well... look at him," Remus finished, unable to insult his best friend. 

James's eyes were filling with a strange light that Remus didn't like. 

"You will be mine!" James hollered, darting around McGonagall, and taking Remus into his arms (Remus had been too shocked to move), titling Remus over like they did in the novels. Luckily in James's desire to effect a romantic position, he lost his balance and they tumbled to the ground. 

Remus extracted himself and ran for all he was worth. 

"Come back, my love!" James yelled after him. 

"Why me?" Remus heard McGonagall ask the air. "Why couldn't I have been Head of Slytherin instead? Those kids are normal." 

Once he was in the dungeons, Remus slowed down and gasped for air. Good thing he hadn't worn any heels. Instead he was wearing Lily's cute bunny slippers. They were pink and very fluffy. 

"I need the password," Remus told an evil looking boy that was busily glaring at the wall in front of him, his body slouched. 

"What for," he asked lazily, sniffing the air distractedly. He turned to Remus, his eyes widening as he looked Remus up and down. "Lily Evans?" 

Remus pursed his lips, a hand on his hip, and rolled his eyes. "Yeah. I'm here for my date with my darling Sevvie-wevvie. The most wonderfullest person in the entire universe." 

"And everybody thinks we're weird," the boy muttered disgustedly. "The password is _delicious fat worm_." 

"Delicious fat worm?" Remus asked, shocked. 

The boy shrugged. "Your boyfriend makes them up. Our Head of House is terrified of Sev and lets him do it. Last week it was _tasty fried cockroaches with their legs still on_." 

Remus felt his stomach to a flip. 

He turned to the wall and opened his mouth to speak the password when the wall moved and Severus himself stepped out. He was wearing a nice black robe and had brushed his hair. 

He trembled as he looked Remus up and down. Time to lay it on thick. 

Remus squealed. "Sevvie!" he said, wrapping his arms around Severus and kissing him on the cheek, leaving his arms wrapped around Severus's body. "You're such a towering example of ultimate manhood!" 

The evil boy snorted. "Gryffindors," he spat 

Remus ignored the insult. "I'm just a wittle bitty girly! I hurt myself this morning. I have a boo-boo. Would you like to kiss it and make it all better." 

"Get off me woman!" Severus hollered, shoving Remus away and taking a step back, waving his hand in front of his face, pounding his chest, his face twitching. 

Remus dropped to his knees and hugged Severus's leg. "I'm sorry!" he wailed. "I didn't mean to upset my big, strong, handsome man!" 

"Get up!" Severus shrieked. 

"I'm not worthy to stand in your presence! I'll just stay here and grovel at my beloved's feet. I love you! My pink bunny slippers also love you! They wanted to say hello," Remus went on, wiggling his feet. "Hello to the big wonderful man that decided to be our owners boyfriend," Remus squealed in a high voice. 

"I think Lily has lost it," said the evil boy. 

"She never had anything to lose!" Severus yelled, moving away, but Remus kept his arms wrapped around Severus's leg and felt himself sliding along the floor. "She stinks more than normal today. I think that stuff she puts on herself is poison and it finally melted what little of a brain she had." 

"Good-bye to my beloved's house-mate! I'll save you a seat at our wedding! Pink hearts, purple kittens, and lots and lots of giggling little girls!" Remus said, waving at the evil boy with his pink bunny slippers since his hands were tied up. 

Severus's body trembled as he started going up the stairs. Remus held on. 

"This is our one week anniversary," Remus decided. "I don't care if we haven't been going out a week or not, you'll just have to get used to me declaring random things like that and like it!" Remus said, feeling his butt tingle from the stairs. "Drag me into the empty classroom over there," Remus said. "I set it up to be our den of love." 

Remus was positive he heard Severus whimper and Remus just hoped Filch kept the floors swept. The last thing he needed was for his backside to have picked up all the dirt he slid over. 

Once inside, Remus let go and slowly got to his feet, swinging his hips and wiggling his backside for effect. Severus was too busy staring at the decorations in mute horror to notice. 

The whole room was pink and purple with cute kitten stickers everywhere. Streamers, balloons, and cutout paper hearts littered the air, ground, table, and chairs. 

"Sit!" Remus commanded as he pulled a chair out for Severus. 

Severus weakly sat in the chair, his body beginning to shake. "We aren't going to the ballet," Severus growled. 

Remus shrugged. "I'll bring the ballet to us!" 

And Remus started to twirl, dance, and do ballet type stuff as he put the food from the serving table onto the table, one at a time. 

"Shrimp," Remus said, looking at Severus's face. No disgust so the shrimp was put back. 

"Lobster," no disgust. "Hamburger," no disgust. "Cake," complete look of disgust. 

The cake was put on the table. Remus sat next to it, dangling his bunny slipper provocatively. 

"I'm going to feed this cake to you in a sultry manner," Remus declared, not bothering to use a utensil and grabbing a chunk of it with his bare hand. 

Severus turned green as Remus brought the cake closer and closer to his mouth. Severus clamped his mouth shut, folded his arms, and glared at Remus. 

Remus pursed his lips and bent forward. Severus immediately put both hands over his mouth and backed away. 

Slowly, and with relish, Remus started to eat the cake himself. Severus watched, his body spasming, at the display. 

"Arghh!" Severus spat. "There should be laws against such public display of grossness! Would you do that in front of your child!" 

Remus licked his lips, wiggling a finger at Severus. "All our children will eat cake everyday for every meal with their bare hands." 

"You would feed them lemon drops, too, wouldn't you?" Severus demanded. 

Lemon drops? Severus hated lemon drops? Hadn't he heard Dumbledore mutter something about Severus and lemon drops once? 

"But of course," Remus agreed. 

Severus shook his head. "NO! No child of mine is ever eating a lemon drop! It almost killed me and I'm sure my children will be much more sensitive than me. I've seen too many horrors already," Severus said, shaking his head. "My children will be sheltered!" 

Remus blinked and then went on with his plan. 

"You can't stop me from letting them eat cake or lemon drops," Remus said, grabbing another handful of cake and shoving it into Severus's mouth before he had time to do anything. 

Severus fell over, spluttering, gagging, and flailing his arms around. 

Remus was about to do something else when the door burst open and James, Sirius, and Peter came barging in. 

"No!" Remus yelled. 

James, seeing the cake on Remus's hand, the cake in Severus's mouth, thought the worst. 

"How dare you feed each other! She's mine!" and James flew at Severus in a rage. 

Severus spit the uneaten cake out and collided with James, fists flying. 

Remus wanted to cry. All that work for nothing! Well, he was wearing Severus down and Remus, if he had to, would do this again. Or... could he just send Severus threatening notes. _Dump Lily or I'll make you eat a cake_. That type thing. Or something else. Remus was going to have to think. 

Peter ignored Sirius as Sirius jumped into the fray, yelling triumphantly, and went to eat the cake. 

"You should date me," Peter said with a shrug. "I'm normal." 

"Ha! I don't like normal men," Remus declared. 

Peter looked at him morosely. "Yes, that's apparent." 

Remus sniffed, turning to the fight. Severus was winning, easily. James just didn't have enough practice with fighting to be any good and Sirius was distracted by trying not to hit James. 

A hand on Remus's shoulder made him whirl around. Peter was smiling at him, his eyebrows waggling. 

"I could make you forget about James and Snape," Peter said, trying to make his voice sound suave. 

"Forget it, you rat," Remus growled, shrugging his hand off. 

Peter glared at him, stuffing cake into his mouth. "Rat, eh? You...." whatever else he said was lost as he stuffed more and more cake into his mouth. "This is really good," he said, nodding in approval around a small mouthful. 

Remus sighed dramatically. 

Severus easily extracted himself from the carnage; James was whimpering and holding his arm, Sirius was calling Severus all sorts of colorful names as he held his ribs and stayed on the ground. 

"Dating you is worth it," Severus said, with a nod, as he swept out of the room. 

Remus wasn't about to give up yet. He ran after Severus, making little noise, and jumped on Severus's back, holding on. 

"Sevvie-wevvie! My ickle wittle Sevvie-poo was so strong and brave in there. You wesued me from the big, bad, evil men," Remus cooed. "Oh, you are so wonderful." 

And Remus planted a wet one on Severus's slimy, greasy, oily, sallow cheek. 

Severus held firm. "James hates my guts. I have two people to fight me now," and he whirled around, making Remus drop to his feet, and planted a kiss directly on Remus's mouth (thank goodness Remus's body was really Lily's). "Thank you!" 

Remus sank to the floor, whimpering, spitting into his hands and wiping his mouth. Severus swept down into the dungeons. 

"I'm never doing this again!" Remus swore to himself. He would have rather kissed James than Severus! Peter would have been a better choice! 

Remus decided he was emotionally damaged and would never get over it. And now, thanks to his three idiot friends, Severus thought dating Lily was a good idea. 

Another evil plan was forming in Remus's emotionally damaged brain. He could give Lily dating advice, then pretend to be James, and inform Severus that he, James, was going to be the bigger man and let Severus have Lily with his blessing, smiling the entire time and offering him sweets, candy, and cake to show his goodwill. 

Remus hurried back to Gryffindor tower, pulled Lily out from underneath her bed, waited until his body had gone back to normal and then changed into normal boy clothes, cleaning his face. 

Lily woke up, groggy. 

"What happened?" Lily asked. 

Remus shook his head. "You went on your date with Severus and he kissed you on the lips! You were so overpowered by his raw manliness that you fainted dead away. I brought you here to recover." 

Lily got to her feet, her eyes wide with pleasure. "Oh! It was so rough and unbridled that my poor female mind had to block it out of remembrance! That happened to one of my heroines! Oh, Sevvie is such a dream-boat," Lily sighed and fell back on her bed in rapture. 

Remus, remembering that kiss, wished his poor male mind would be kind enough to block it out of his remembrance. His stomach was churning. 

"Severus confided in me earlier that he wished you would be more public in your displays of affection: kiss in class, hold his hands, give him cologne, sit with him in all the classes you have together, sit with him during breakfast, lunch, and supper. Whisper in his ear sweet nothings, write him poems, sing to him, give him candy, sweets, flowers, and all other wonderful nice things. Make sure anything you give him is nice and feminine. Severus likes a girl who is a girly-girl. It makes him feel like a man," Remus said. "Oh, one more thing. If Severus causes you any trouble, tell him that you are going to date James." 

Lily shook her head, her face disgust. "I don't want to date James. He's so perfect!" 

"But Severus will be so jealous that he will give you what you want. It's a love triangle, with you in the middle. Use it to your advantage." 

Lily nodded her head, duly taking notes in her brain. "Yes. I will do all that tomorrow. Severus is so wonderful!" 

Remus nodded his head and left Lily to her strangeness. He was going to have to give James Polyjuice potion to look like him, Remus, knock James out, put him in bed with a note not to bother him since 'that time of the month' was affecting him, despite it being two weeks away and Remus was going to have to take the Polyjuice to pretend to be James tomorrow. 

The Marauders were lucky to have such a great person as himself as a member. What he did for his friends brought a tear to his eye. 


	5. Poor Severus

_Disclaimer: All rights go to Serenthia. J.K. Rowling is my penname. I have created the series that you all adore. Bow to me. _

_Author's Note: I'm very sorry the updates are so long between chapters but I have to be in a certain mood and those moods just aren't coming all that frequently any more. Real life is not fun._

__The Trouble with Love

by: _Serenthia_

Chapter 5: Poor Severus 

Remus, his evil plan having been in effect for most of the day, watched Lily snuggling up to Severus while they ate lunch at the Slytherin table. Severus glanced over at Remus, thinking he was James because of the Polyjuice Potion, and tried to smile smugly, though he was uncertain. 

Remus smiled widely at him and waved. Severus, having received nothing but smiles from Remus (James to Severus's mind) all day, was nearing the end of his rope. It was only a matter of time before he collapsed from the strain of being Lily's boyfriend. 

"I thought you wanted Lily," Sirius questioned Remus in exasperation. 

Remus shrugged. "I could never win Lily away from such a handsome man!" Remus said, quite loudly. 

Sirius looked at him oddly, Peter glared at Lily (muttering about rats and cake), and Remus smiled serenely. 

The rest of the day went quite smoothly, for Remus that was, and by supper time, Remus walked up to Lily and Severus. 

"I congratulate you," Remus said, nodding his head. "You are a wonderful boyfriend for Lily. She obviously loves you very much." 

Severus blanched when Lily giggled. 

"Don't you hate me?" Severus demanded. 

"Hate you?" Remus said, shaking his head. "I could never hate you. I even brought you a present," Remus said, slipping his backpack off and taking out a box of assorted candy. "Eat all of these Severus as a sign of the good faith between us." 

Severus glared at Lily and then Remus. "I don't like candy." 

Lily rolled her eyes, amused. "Oh, Sevvie! Eat the yummy candy. For me? If you don't, I'll date James." 

Severus ripped the box open, stuffed a handful in his mouth and crunched on them, letting most of the pieces fall back out of his mouth onto his chin and robe. 

Lily looked slightly startled at the display. 

Severus then looked between the two of them. "Lily is still mine!" 

Remus shrugged. "Take her. I don't want her anymore." 

All the candy spilled back out of Severus's mouth. Even Lily couldn't find a way to declare that was a manly thing to do as she stepped away, her nose crinkled. 

"What?!" Severus shrieked. 

"Take her," Remus said. "She loves you so very much and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. And eat cake." 

Severus shook his head, raising a finger to point at James. "No, no, NO!. You have to want Lily. YOU HAVE TO." 

Remus shrugged. "I can't compete with such a virile specimen of man that you are. I'm too inadequate. You deserve Lily. Embrace the truth, my friend." 

"I'm not your friend!" Severus screamed, red spit (from the candy) flying from his mouth. 

Severus looked at Lily and whimpered and then back at Remus. Remus smiled for all he was worth. Lily smiled at Severus, waggling her eyebrows. 

Remus tried to ignore the attention they were getting. Dumbledore himself had moved over to talk with them. 

But it worked. Severus fell to his knees, clutching his hair and pulling. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU BOTH! THIS ISN'T FAIR! THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME. BOTH OF THEM!" 

"I love you Severus," Lily tried. 

Severus got to his feet, his body wobbling. "You," he said, clearly unable to think straight anymore. "YOU EVIL WITCH! You smelly, ugly, disgusting creature!" 

Lily burst into tears and Severus smirked, trying to enjoy it. Remus jumped in front of Lily and grinned. 

"I love you! Let's buck tradition and date each other! Let's kiss and eat lots of candy while in a hot tub together!" Remus said, nodding his head and continuing to grin. 

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Severus screamed as Remus lurched at him, trying to kiss his mouth. 

Severus got away and ran, Remus closely following. 

"But Sevvie-poo, we can't fight our feelings! Embrace them! I want you! I've always wanted you!" 

Severus ran around the Great Hall, other students, unable to believe what they were seeing, had blocked the way out. Teachers were trying to restore order and capture Severus and Remus but they were both too wily. 

"Help!" Severus yelled, getting on a table. 

Remus jumped up, the Hufflepuff's (the table they were on) had mostly given up eating already but the few of them who had food still in their mouths, let it fall down to their robes, their mouths frozen in shock. 

Remus picked up some dessert and tackled Severus, straddling his chest and forcing the confection into his mouth. 

"As my boyfriend you'll have to get used to sweets!" Remus said. 

Severus quit moving and Remus looked at Lily. "Or I could date you?" 

Lily wiped her face. 

"You're so beautiful," Remus told her. 

Lily nodded her head, sniffing. "I don't like bad men anymore. I want you to James. You're perfect! Dating rouge men isn't what my books said it would be." 

Peter rolled his eyes. 

Remus went over to Lily and kissed her. She smiled up at him. 

"NO!" Severus screeched, getting to his feet. "NO! My plans are ruined! Now you're going to breed! And you're both happy!" 

Remus put an arm around Lily. "Very happy. I'm never going to stop smiling." 

And they both turned to him, smiling. 

Severus put his hands to his head, sunk to his knees, and his face turned purple. "I want my father! Someone had better call my father! Or you all will suffer! I want my father! I WANT MY FATHER! I WANT MY FATHER!" 

Over half the Slytherin table, and the Slytherin Head of House, ran out the door, muttering about owls and destruction. 

McGonagall and the rest of the teachers tried to shoo everyone out of the Great Hall but no one would move. The sight of Severus having a nervous breakdown was too good to miss. Severus fell onto the table, slimed his hair and face with stew, and starting rolling around, muttering about his father. 

Dumbledore, alone, approached the table. The Hufflepuffs had dived out of their seats already and were standing next to a wall. 

"Severus?" Dumbledore said gently, taking out a lemon drop. 

Severus saw the yellow round object and let out a shriek, standing up, and pointing his wand at Dumbledore. 

"One step closer, old man and I'll... I'll... turn you into a marshmallow!" Severus threatened, his body shaking like a leaf. "You evil, evil, evil man! I HATE YOU! I HATE POTTER! I HATE EVANS! I WANT MY DADDY!" 

Remus hugged Lily closer to him and moved out of the way, deciding that now wasn't the time to smile at Severus anymore. 

Dumbledore motioned for everyone to leave. "Leave now!" he hollered, power radiating from his frame. 

"Rats," Remus muttered, wanting to stay. 

Peter sniffed. "Thanks for the insult." 

They all left the Great Hall, some quickly, some only because Dumbledore was waving his wand at them. 

"Good going," Sirius muttered in his ear, approving, "Remus." 

Remus shrugged and grinned as they all went to the Gryffindor Tower. Excusing themselves, Remus and Sirius woke James up once the Polyjuice potion had worn off, told him what had happened and how having Lily finally declare her love for him had made James lose his memory of the event because of the shock, and brought him downstairs. 

James and Lily snuggled on the couch, both giggling over her crush on Severus while Remus and Sirius drank butterbeer to a plan well executed. The fire in the fireplace was burning all of Lily's romance novels. 

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Things weren't going so well for Dumbledore. Severus, in need of professional help Dumbledore had decided, was eating an entire stick of butter at the present and whining about not having any juicy worms to go along with it. 

Dumbledore would have gotten closer but Severus's wand was still trained on Dumbledore, the boy's eyes were wide and glossed over, and his body was still shaking. Dumbledore wanted to disarm Severus but wasn't sure if doing a spell to someone in this condition was a good idea. 

"Potter, Potter, Potter," Severus chanted after the butter was gone. "Evans, Evans, Evans." 

The door opened, an old man and McGonagall slipped in. The old man glared at Dumbledore, his face contorted in hate. 

"I hate you," the old man declared and then turned to Severus. "What did you do to my son?" he demanded. 

"Nothing," McGonagall said softly. 

The old man snorted. "Like I can take your word for it, Minerva. Especially since I'm sure you and Dummy-head are having an affair." 

McGonagall went pink with outrage, Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. So this explained Severus's hatred toward Dumbledore. Severus's father had poisoned his mind. 

"Son?" the man said softly. "Severus?" 

Severus glanced at him and burst into tears. "Father! Potter and Evans are going to date and marry and then breed! They are happy! I hate them! They hate me so much and I never did anything to them." 

"It's all right," the old man assured his son as Severus flung his arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. 

"What kind of Headmaster are you?" the old man demanded in disgust while he stroked Severus's hair and rubbed his back. "You should watch out for the more sensitive students." 

"Sensitive?" McGonagall asked, her face still pink with anger. 

"Very," the man spat. 

"Your son needs help," Dumbledore told him softly. 

The man rolled his eyes. "Of course he does. His parents were killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Did you see that! I didn't name the man and neither should you! He's evil and you should fear saying his name!" he man shrieked. 

Dumbledore nodded his head sagely. So this was where Severus got his unbalance from. 

"Anyway," the old man continued. "Severus hit his head as child and has been deranged ever since. I guess I should have warned you but... it slipped my mind." 

"Let me help you with Severus," McGonagall offered, stepping closer. 

"I'll take care of my son, myself!" the old man said, spitting at Dumbledore's feet, and dragging Severus off the table and carefully pulling him towards the doors that lead to the Slytherin dungeon, growling and spitting at Dumbledore as he left. 

Dumbledore and McGonagall watched him go and then turned to each other. 

"I don't think Severus is the only one in that family who hit his head," McGonagall said. "But it does explain some things. Poor Severus! To be raised by someone like that! No wonder why he's insane!" 

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Many of the Slytherin students knew who the old man was and respectively got out of the way, the ones that didn't were dragged out of the way by those who knew. Voldemort was pleased. Though he wasn't pleased with the state Severus was in. The boy was slobbering on Voldemort's robes and twitching. The perfects cleared out of the perfect bathroom and Voldemort locked it with a spell too strong for even Dumbledore to break. 

Charming the water to an icy temperature, Voldemort threw Severus in and put him under the Cruciatus Curse. Severus turned to jelly, his body relaxing, as Voldemort used a spell to drag Severus to him and put a hand on his son's shoulder to keep him from drowning. 

"What happened?" Voldemort asked. "Your Head of House used his portkey to inform me that you were going crazy." 

Severus told him the entire story. 

"Never date a Gryffindor," Voldemort admonished him. "And certainly not a mudblood." 

"I like mud," Severus defended himself. "And blood is yummy." 

"Severus," Voldemort warned, having gone over that topic many times. 

"Well, how come half-bloods get a cool name and I'm stuck with 'pure blood'," he mocked. "_Pure blood_. Stupid name! Mudblood is cool. I want mudblood. Change it!" he shrieked at Voldemort. 

Voldemort slapped him. Severus grinned and then sniffed. "I can't make Potter miserable. It's not fair." 

"Expel them," Voldemort decided. "Find a way to expel them. They'll be hated and shunned for the rest of their lives." 

Severus nodded his head, looking evilly excited. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that!" 

"Because you are just a child and I'm the master of evil plans," Voldemort declared, patting Severus on the head. 

"Father, James and Lily might breed. What happens when people breed?" Severus asked curiously. 

Voldemort had no idea. A person that was intent on taking over the world had more important things to worry about then wondering how people might breed. But he couldn't tell Severus that. Severus thought Voldemort was his father and Voldemort wasn't about to give up that lie. And, as his father, Voldemort would have had to breed with a woman. 

"A man and woman both sit on a purple blanket during the full moon and eat the same peach. The woman then has to bathe naked under the the new moon and that gets her pregnant." 

"Oh!" Severus said, nodding his head. "Makes sense." 

Good thing Hogwarts didn't have a class on the subject, Voldemort decided. "Remember to expel those Gryffindors," Voldemort reminded his son. 


	6. Snapping

**Disclaimer**: _Rowling has given me the rights. I'm pleased and gracious about it. You must ask my permission to use any of these characters for now on. My e-mail address is on my author page. If I'm feeling generous you'll get my permission_. 

**_WARNING! Very angsty chapter ahead_**! 

__

__**The Trouble with Love**

**by**: _Serenthia_

Severus had never been that big of a problem before, the usually scuffles and the strange love triangle aside, but now even Remus wanted to beat him to a pulp. The boy would not leave them alone. Constantly around them, trying to see if they were doing anything wrong, trying to find a way to expel them. They knew that was what Severus was up to too, because he had told them. 

Lily would hide behind James every time Severus came near, her cheeks blushing at her remembered crush on him. 

Sirius came hobbling into their dorm room, his eye black and his lip swollen. "He's dead! I'm going to kill him! So help me!" 

And that was the other problem. Sirius's hate for Severus had grown tremendously in the past two weeks. Sirius, at times, wasn't even coherent anymore. He just babbled about Severus. 

Remus just shook his head, going back to reading, not noticing the look Sirius was giving him, the light in his eyes, or the way he was rubbing his hands together. Remus had other things to worry about than his best friend's hatred over Severus, the full moon was tomorrow. 

************************************************************************* 

Peter, in his rat form, busily gnawed on one of the thick books that they had to use for their homework. He was hoping to make it unusable. Peter should have thought of this before. His rat form was the best of all the forms because he was the smallest and could eat things like books and his friend's homework. James's homework had been his first victim and Peter had watched, amused, as James had searched for it all morning. James had gotten in trouble too. 

"I'm telling you," Sirius said from below. 

Peter looked down to see Sirius and Snape talking. Odd. They were usually fighting. 

"Remus is doing something so very bad tonight that if you were to tell on him all of us would be expelled," Sirius said, his head jerking to the side, his hands making a washing motion, and his cheek twitching. He was also slightly hunched over. 

Peter didn't eat Sirius's homework. Sirius was fast becoming deranged and Peter decided it would be best to keep Sirius on his good side, at least for awhile. 

Snape, The Slimly and Oily One, looked interested. "What?" 

"I can't tell you that!" Sirius laughed, it was high and cold, very un-Siriusish. "He's in the Shrieking Shack! Just get a stick and prod at a knob at the base of the Whomping Willow and it will stop moving. There's a way into a passageway there that will lead you to the Shack. Go, hurry! Remus might be leaving!" Sirius said, giggling. 

Severus hurried and left, his robe and cloak billowing out behind him. 

Sirius giggled. "He's dead. He's dead. He's dead!" 

Peter wondered about this. Should he be a good boy and tell James or should he continue eating this book? Peter's eyes widened. He might get expelled along with Sirius if Snape did die since he, Peter, knew about Remus being a werewolf. Or he might not. But Peter couldn't take that chance. 

He moved to a spot hidden away, changed back into a boy, and ran to tell James. Peter wasn't about to rescue Snape himself, he, Peter, might get hurt. 

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James cursed as he raced to save Severus. He should have known Sirius was going to try something like that. The poor boy was hardly able to see straight anymore he was twitching so badly. Not that James blamed him. Severus was getting on all their last nerves. 

Remus, even, had wondered what it would take to knock out all of Severus's yellow and crooked teeth. 

Slipping under the Willow, it was still immobile, James grabbed Severus, barely inside, and tried to haul him out. 

"No!" Severus screamed. "I have to expel you dunderheads!" 

"Remus is in here!" 

"I know that!" Severus shrieked. "That's way I'm here!" 

"You don't understand!" James yelled back, trying to haul him up and away. 

It was too late. A growling sound at the end of the tunnel and they both looked to see a werewolf, staring at them. 

"Aha!" Severus said. "He's a werewolf! That'll get him expelled and the rest of you for knowing about it!" 

"Dumbledore knows," James screamed, trying to get Severus to move. 

"Then I'll get myself killed!" Severus decided, digging his fingers into the soft soil of the tunnel. "That'll really get you all expelled!" 

James seeing the werewolf moving toward them, yanked Severus away. 

"You won't be able to gloat if you're dead!" 

Severus let go and the two of them scrambled out. A growling was heard but the werewolf couldn't come after them. 

"How dare you save my life," Severus spat. "Now I owe you Wizard's life-debt." 

James hit Severus on the back, hard, and dragged him to his feet. "I didn't save you! I saved Remus!" 

Severus snorted. "I didn't save you," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You git! You insufferable git!" 

James had had enough. Severus went spinning around to land on the ground with a thud, his cheek, hopefully, sporting a fast coming bruise. 

"Trying to get on my good side, are you!" Severus spat. "It won't work. I hate you! I HATE YOU! You've caused me nothing but pain and misery! I'm going to get you expelled if it kills me!" 

Stepping back, James put a hand to his forehead. Severus was crazy! Remus hadn't been kidding. The boy's brain was gone. 

"I'm sorry, Severus," James said, forcing himself to frown. "It will be okay. Let's go talk with Dumbledore." 

"No! He might threaten me with a lemon drop! He's out to get me," Severus said, sitting up and staring at James with frightened eyes. "He wants to destroy me." 

James realized he was serious. Severus honestly believed that Dumbledore want to destroy him. Obviously Severus was mentally unhinged. 

"No," James said, shaking his head. "He only wants to help you." 

"HA!!!" Severus spat, getting to his feet. "I don't believe that. You're going to pay for this, Potter. Mark my words! You and Dumbledore will both pay for the horror you've caused me while I've been a student! I did nothing to either of you!" he burst into tears and crumbled to the ground. "You hate me!" 

McGonagall came rushing towards them, gasping. "Oh, thank goodness! Sirius was trying to dig a hole in the hallway to bury Severus in. After some coaxing he told me what had happened. He's with Dumbledore right now and Dumbledore wants to see both of you." 

Severus got to his feet. "They tried to murder me," Severus declared. "They will be expelled," he spat and turned on his heel, sweeping his way to Dumbledore's office. 

James followed, looking at McGonagall helplessly. "He's lost it." 

McGonagall pursed her lips. "His father hasn't raised Severus well." 

"That's obvious," James muttered as they headed to Dumbledore's office. 

It was chaos. Both Severus and Sirius were trying to kill each other. Dumbledore was holding them apart, his hand on their throats, but they were kicking, hitting, and spitting and since Dumbledore was in the middle he was getting most of the damage. 

"Stop it!" McGonagall screamed as Severus's fist collided with Dumbledore's mouth. James wasn't sure that had been accident. 

Running to Sirius, James wrapped his arms around his friend and jerked him back. Sirius was foaming at the mouth, literally. 

"Die! Die! Die!" Sirius screamed. 

Dumbledore held Severus back. "You see he meant to kill me!" Severus screamed. "How dare he! Expel them! Expel them!" 

McGonagall blasted both Severus and Sirius with a binding charm and they fell over, trying to get to each other, though they could barely move. 

"Take Sirius to your rooms," Dumbledore told James. "And help him," he said softly. "We can't have two insane students here at the same time. That's just too much." 

James nodded his head and dragged a limp Sirius out of the room. 

Once he was safely in their dorm room, James wrapped his arms around Sirius and rocked him. Sirius kept making the motions of washing his hands, twitching, and giggling. 

"Is he dead? Maybe Dumbledore killed him for us? Maybe? Hee, hee. Remus should have eaten him all up by now. But is S... Sn... Sna.... Snape alive? No, he can't be, can he?" and Sirius turned to James, giving James such a funny look that James gulped. 

Never tell Sirius that he had saved Severus's life, James noted in his brain. 

"I don't know," James said. Rocking him some more. "Let's call your mom and dad tomorrow so they can talk to you." 

Sirius giggled. "Snape calls my mom ugly. Did you know that?" 

Peter walked into the room and clucked his tongue. "Can I have his stuff when he gets sent to Saint Mungo's?" 

James glared at him. "No. Sirius will fine. Dumbledore's going to have a long talk with Severus, I hope, and make him leave us alone." 

Peter looked unhappy. "Oh, well. I'm going to go back and finish gnawing on that book." 

James didn't bother to ask him why he was doing that as he held his best friend. 

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McGonagall left the room and Dumbledore watched Severus, who was gnawing on Dumbledore's chair leg. 

"Severus, you need help," Dumbledore began. "I know your father..." 

"Me?" Severus asked, flipping around and sitting up, glaring at Dumbledore. "I'm not the one trying to shove Lemon drops down defenseless children's throats! Or giggling! Or laughing!" Severus burst into tears. "I didn't want to come! My father made me! I wanted to stay home and eat juicy worms and fight with father but he made me come! I knew there would be laughing here but father didn't care!" 

And Severus went into convulsions. Dumbledore wearily sat down on the floor. Okay. How was he going to handle this? 

"I'm sorry about the lemon drops," Dumbledore said. "What is your favorite food?" 

"Worms," Severus sniffed. 

Dumbledore transfigured a pillow into a plate of worms and handed it to Severus. The boy quickly started to slurp them down, his eyes wet as he looked at Dumbledore reproachfully. 

"Father also puts me under the Cruciatus Curse," Severus said longingly. 

"I will not torture you," Dumbledore said, shocked. 

Severus sniffed. "It feels so good! Like someone is giving me a massage," he said, trying to coax Dumbledore into it. 

Wondering, and hoping this would help him figure out the strange child that was Severus, Dumbledore put Severus under the Cruciatus Curse. The boy's body turned to mush, he fell over and continued to eat the worms, happily mumbling to himself. 

Was he hurting? Dumbledore gently ran a hand over Severus's face, trying to figure it out. His body seemed to like it. Severus cuddled into Dumbledore's lap. 

"Father doesn't do this very often," Severus lamented. "He thinks I'm too bad to deserve it." 

Severus couldn't just be insane, Dumbledore realized. His body liked the Cruciatus Curse. Which meant he probably wasn't fully human. Oh well. There were some half-half kids at Hogwarts and Dumbledore was actually relieved to find it out. He could help Severus out more if he knew what he was half of. 

"Severus, who is your mother and father?" 

Severus slurped a fat worm and yawned. "Father is Voldemort and I don't..." 

"Voldemort?!" Dumbledore said, shocked. 

"Yes," Severus nodded. "I don't know who my mother is. Father won't tell." 

Dumbledore narrowed his eyes. Voldemort wouldn't have had a child. Would he? Dumbledore wasn't sure the evil man even knew how to create one. He had never looked twice at a girl while a student, unless it was because her mind was evil. But he would have kidnapped a child if it suited his purposes. Well, there was no way to tell what Severus was half of since the boy didn't know. And Dumbledore was going to have do figure out if Severus was indeed Voldemort's son. 

"I'm sorry, Severus," Dumbledore said. "I didn't realize you were so... sensitive." 

"Yes," Severus said sadly. "I'm very sensitive."  
"I see," Dumbledore nodded wisely. "Listen, I'll make you a deal. If you leave Potter and his friends alone, especially Sirius Black, I'll put you under the Cruciatus Curse every Saturday." 

"And feed me worms?" Severus asked hopefully. "And slugs, and maybe even maggots." 

"We'll stick with the worms," Dumbledore negated. 

Severus shrugged, looking content. "Very well. I'll leave them alone," he murmured, falling asleep on Dumbledore's lap. 

Dumbledore rubbed his temple. The Son of the Dark Lord was on his lap, sleeping, while his lunch worms crawled over his hand. Dumbledore would never have imagined this would happen as the Headmaster of Hogwarts. 

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Remus felt used. He felt disgusting. And it had nothing to do with Sirius using him to try to kill Severus either. Severus was ignoring them now. And Remus didn't like it. After six long years of having to put up with that insane git to have Severus suddenly ignore him was too much. Even Peter was upset about it. 

"He should have died," Sirius said flatly, annoyed with Remus. 

But Severus ignoring them did have one good point. Sirius was no longer twitching or shaking. He hated Severus, hated him with a fire-hot passion, but it was no longer unbalancing him like it had before. 

"I miss him," Peter said. "I like evil people." 

"They why don't you date him?" Sirius growled. 

Peter sniffed. "Very funny. They're some mystic aura evil people have surrounding them. The allure is powerful," he declared, fell back on his bed, and slid out of sight, snuffling. 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "What a freak. At least Snape isn't bothering us anymore." 

Remus nodded. Sirius could even say his name now but still. Remus missed him. Missed the glare's Severus would give them. Miss the fights he and Sirius had. Missed the way Severus would walk away from them. 

"I'll get over it," Remus decided, his voice cracking. "I feel like I've lost a good friend." 

Sirius threw a pillow at his head. James waved for silence. 

"Lily and I are getting marrying right after seventh year," James said. "And you are all invited to the wedding! What colors should we pick for the robes we men have to wear?" 

Remus blinked. "Uh, James. That's a long time from now." 

James snorted. "It's called preparing! Red? Yellow? Black? Purple?" 

Remus laid back down while he and Sirius talked about it, too depressed to join in on the conversation. How was he going to make it through the rest of the school year and next year without Severus bothering them? Without Severus around, life at Hogwarts was, well, boring! 

Remus rolled over and sobbed. 

**The End!**


End file.
